How many Calories is that?

I probably shouldn't admit this to my youth, but when I was your age, I did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking about taking crazy stupid risks. I drank water straight from the hose.  I spent more time shooting my BB gun then shooting Nazis on the X-Box.  I opened packages of cheese with my teeth, and not with the helpful ziplock seal.  I could open my refrigerator without seeing 47 warning labels like "Don't Go Swimming With This Appliance".

But the most insane, wildest thing I was able to do as a kid, was survive without looking at the calorie count on everything that I ate.  And this is coming from a guy that would come home from track practice and eat mayonnaise straight from the jar. 

I know I was lucky.  We can all breathe a sigh of relief that anyone over the age of 15 is still alive and walking around right now.  I'm not proud of this.  I could blame ignorance, peer pressure, or the time I use to play with mercury I took out of thermometers. 

I have been known to stop by up to three different fast food restaurants a day while working (Back off, I'm starving).  But recently, all I notice are calorie counts everywhere I look.  On every menu and every sign are calories. I don't know what the numbers mean, but my favorite foods usually have the highest numbers.  That's good, right?  Last night I was eating dinner at a restaurant that shall go nameless (Let's just say it's mascot is a big red bird that says "YUM!).  I noticed they had calorie counts on the menu as well as a separate sheet of paper giving them again.  I was just waiting for someone to walk by, hit me in the head with a tack hammer and say "you really gonna eat that, fatty?"

This got me thinking.  What if there was always printed calorie counts with everything ever eaten.  Can you imagine reading the Bible and knowing that when Jesus fed the five-thousand, all the people knew that they were each eating approximately 280 calories in fish and 180 calories in bread?  I wonder if anyone would have turned it down and waited for a healthier option?  "Jesus, I know that you just performed a massive miracle, but have you seen how fatty that bread is?" 

The Last Supper would be changed a little also.  Judas would have known, when he dipped the bread into the bowl with Jesus, he not only would be fulfilling a prophecy but he would also be eating 112 calories.   I wonder if Eve would still have taken a bite of that fruit if she knew the content of it?

I say we are blessed, that as a nation, we have been able to survive these thousands of years without these helpful guides.  I urge all of you to boycott all restaurants, taco trucks, and continental breakfasts that don't plaster these guides over everything you put in your mouth.  I'm afraid that if we don't, our country could soon be underwater as far inland as Kansas City. 

Tonight, hold your loved ones a little tighter.  Give thanks for living this long without knowing the damage we have been doing to our bodies.  But most of all, know this.....There are no calories when drinking from a water hose.